What I really wanted to talk about was this thing that always happens to me as a post-abortive/ post-miscarriage Mom.
The fact of pregnancy and the hormones that accompany always take me into at least one tailspin of our lost children. I dwell all night about my first child, the circumstances, the things I wish I would have done, known, who I wish I could have been. How much I miss that baby that was lost to the tragedy of abortion that January so long ago. Each time a new doc or nurse or tech or anybody has to delve into my past, there my baby is, waiting to be spoken about. Waiting to be loved. And now, all I have for him is love and longing to be reunited with him in Heaven. I know that he is safe and loved more than I could know in the arms of Jesus, as are our other two darling children. I don’t carry shame anymore, God in His grace has granted me forgiveness. Really, it’s more an inability to express how much those children mean to me. I have two living beautiful children and 3 wonderful souls in heaven. I pray for them and know that they pray for me in whatever capacity they have. I am their Mother today and always and I cherish this.
I’m so grateful for the work of pro-life people like Abby Johnson, who will talk about these things, about forgiveness after abortion. The light that is shed on darkness through Jesus Christ is life giving and freeing. I remember when I was confessing my sins for the very first time just 5 years ago this Lent and just how amazing it was to truly ask the Lord to forgive me for killing my baby. It was one of the biggest moments of my life. Before that I felt so dirty and ashamed and unable to own what I had done. I didn’t have Jesus before that year and you can’t Give yourself true forgiveness, it only truly comes from God.
As a Buddhist I had always assumed that role for myself and it brought me only heartache and deep depression. I couldn’t admit anything. I hid many many things from myself to forget pain and pretend that I was strong enough. I used every form of denial; alcohol was my favorite go-to, but relationship hopping and sex were never out of the question to fill the void. I learned the very very tough way that I’m not the one in charge, but He is. I’m not saying it wasn’t important or even essential to try to forgive myself, to forgive oneself for aborting a baby. It is. But there still was that place in my heart -and it turned out to be my whole heart- that needed true food, true love.
So here I am, with an amazing husband who loves me and who helped me come to know Jesus and ask Him for forgiveness and come to the Catholic Church. With whom I have two amazing and perfect living children and one growing inside of me now. This pregnancy is hard. Harder it seems than the last, and seeing and hearing her perfect little heartbeat made all the yucky nausea and pain just worth it. I’m a mother to a new soul, a soul that has been co- created with God himself. I am eternally grateful to know that and have love for the little fragile life inside me. She’s my baby now and forever and I already love her in her teeny tiny phase and the rest of it.
Thank you for reading and I hope this heartens people to know that change is possible and that if a person like I was can change anyone can. I really believe that because Jesus healed my heart and brought me back to life.
If you are reading this thinking I’m crazy, but How would a person become Catholic? Just hop over to your local Catholic Church and ask about RCIA – Rite of Christian Innitiation for Adults. Even universities like CU Boulder where my husband and I converted have campus parishes and amazing people to connect with.
And if you are reading this, pregnant and don’t know what to do I recommend these amazing places/organizations for some of the best care and help an expectant Mother can ask for:
Gabriel House nearest you for the best pre-natal and infant/Mama support I’ve ever known. This one is for Denver but it’s a nationwide project to help mothers and babies.
Abby Johnson’s site has wonderful resources.
Embrace Grace is out of Texas and here’s an amazing video they produced.
I thought I would end here. Peace be with you.